Confessions of a Grown-up Brat

I can be just plain selfish.

In fact, sometimes I’m a brat.

 

Well, it’s true.

Some of you may be quite shocked to hear this.  You may know me casually, or see me in passing, and think, “That sweet  mom who’s always smiling…she can’t possibly be a brat!”  {thank you}.  But see…the truth is revealed by those who know us best, who see us at our worst, and who are in our mess every day.  I can honestly {though a bit shamefully} admit to you that just about all of the people closest to me–parents, sibling, spouse, best friends–at some point, have called me a brat.  And they have been right.

I’m not saying that my worst moments define me.  Or that because we have moments we should make unfair judgements and generalizations about ourselves.  Not that…at all. What I’m saying is that…there’s freedom in just admitting where we are weak instead of trying to convince ourselves and everyone else that we have it all together.  Cuz we don’t.

I’ll let you in on a couple of recent moments when my selfishness was made blatantly clear.  They revolve around my conditioner.  I have recently coined the phrase “Top-Shelf Conditioner” in response to these events.

I am the girl who loves nice things, but hates to spend the nice-things price tag.  There are some products that I covet having, but I just refuse to buy them for myself.  Because it’s selfish to spend $35 on shampoo.  However, if someone decides to give me a gift card to, I don’t know, say…Ulta…or Sephora… I can then justify the ridiculous purchase.

This very thing just happened.  I received a gift card and then SPLURGED, I tell you, on top-of-the-line shampoo and conditioner.  It brings me joy every time I shower because fancy shampoo really does just lather up differently and fancy conditioner makes my hair SO MUCH SOFTER.  You can see why I want to save every last ounce.  Because each ounce is worth like $10 and I also don’t know when, or if, I will get another gift card to replenish my quickly-vanishing supply.

So back to my selfish events.  My 9-year-old daughter got out of the shower one evening announcing, “Mom!  I love the new conditioner you got!  It makes my hair so soft and it smells so good!”
Now…I would love to say this is an exaggeration, that I’m amping up the story for effect.  But this is the honest-to-goodness truth. I think smoke came out of my ears.  I literally turned on my heels, gave her the meanest, most spiteful glare, and snapped, “WHAT??…Puhleeease tell me you did NOT just use MY new conditioner…that I bought with MY birthday GIFT CARD!!!”  She cowered…”Ummm…I didn’t know…it was yours?  You didn’t tell me?”
{Honestly reliving this is painful because I was so ugly to her.}

“Why would I have to tell you? It was on the top shelf!  Did it not occur to you that MAYBE I put it up high so that YOU could not easily reach it??  Why do you think I buy you the $1.97 SUAVE?!?”

At this point, she saw I was going nutso and did not dare respond with anything except, “I’m sorry… I won’t use it again… I didn’t know.” She may have mumbled a quiet, “It’s just conditioner” as she walked away…and she may have had a tear or two.  I actually don’t typically yell at her.  Because she’s darned-near perfect most of the time.  So I like triple-dog suck right now.

I did come to my senses and apologize to her {and God…and everyone else in the house who heard me screaming} after that breakdown.  I thought the conditioner drama was resolved.  Until yesterday… when I was complimenting my husband on his beard.  It is the longest I have ever seen it…and though I wasn’t sure I liked it at first, it’s growing on me {hehe…see what I did there?}.
“Your beard is actually really soft!” I sweetly complimented as I kissed his cheek.  And then, the dreadfully unexpected bomb was dropped.
“Yeah, I know.  I used your conditioner on it.”

My eye started kind of twitching.  I cleared my throat a little and stepped back as I fake-laughed.  “Haha..you’re kidding, right?  You didn’t really use my conditioner on your beard…..riiiight??”
He carried on nonchalantly, “No, I did.”  This can’t be real life.
“You used my $40 conditioner on your facial hair? You know it is specially formulated for my highlighted hair?! Why would you do that to me?  I’m running out!  We have $1.97 bottom-shelf conditioner if you want to use it on your FACE!”

And then it hit me…BAM.  I really am a brat.  The poor guy held up his thumb nail and said, “I only used this much.”

I tell on myself because, even though I know I can behave like a selfish brat, that is not who I am.   My identity is not wrapped up in these stories.  Though they are true, they don’t define me.  Your worst moments do not define you either.   I am a brat.  But God loves me anyway. So does my family.

That is who I am: Loved. 

{And so.are.you.}

Imagine what would happen if we humbly looked at these horrific moments, and instead of being offended & embarrassed by our sin, just admitted, “Yes, I did that.” Am I proud? No.  But I’m refusing to live in shame or pretend like we don’t all know what I did.  I have learned that no one can accuse or degrade me if I freely own my failures.

What we do with our sin says a lot more about us than our sin does.

Who doesn’t mess up…like daily, somehow??  What if we stopped pointing fingers at others, looked humbly inward, and then instantly upward in desperation?  What if we stopped trying to fix the world around us and focused on who we are in the world? Admit our wrongs.  Ask for forgiveness.  And then move on in love.  Maybe set an example that others would be compelled to follow.

What if we were

brave enough to shine?

Here’s a scarcely-known secret…You don’t have to be perfect to shine.  You just have to reflect the Son.