Do you ever wish that your kids would do the right thing without you forcing them to do it? Do you long for them to show you respect and honor without you telling them they have to? Do you want to influence and lead them as they follow you because they want to? This is possible, but not through behavior modification.
The secret is in winning their hearts.
As parents, we are given the distinct privilege of carrying a special set of keys. Many of us don’t know we even have them or acknowledge that they’re there. These keys are infinite in number and specific to the little ones entrusted to our care. The deeper we choose to go in seeking them, the more we will discover and the more impactful our parenting will be.
As with anything else, if we don’t seek, we are guaranteed not to find. If we don’t ask, we surely won’t discover the answer. But this “hidden” set of keys is concealed only if we don’t ask, and don’t seek. There is promise in God’s Word that assures us we are not searching in vain… “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened,” {Matthew 7:7-8}.
Inside the heart of each of our children lies endless treasure, placed there and sealed by God himself. Their destiny and His purpose is written on their hearts from the moment of conception. Many parents don’t take the time, or know the tools, to unlock these treasure chests. They may not even know that their children’s hearts are closed and locked. Often, the fruit of an undiscovered heart isn’t revealed until the teenage years when spiteful attitudes and resentment emerge.
A heart that is unlocked and alive is vibrant, joyful, and turned towards you. You don’t have to rule with an iron fist or force compliance with your rules. You don’t have to use fear or threats as tactics to bring about obedience. Your children want to please you because their hearts have been opened by you. As I said, there is an infinite number of keys, specific to each child, that can be discovered by seeking God on your child’s behalf. The beginning of this journey is most definitely birthed in prayer. But there are some universal keys that I have found work with any child, and doing these three simple things will inevitably turn your child’s heart towards you.
1. Speak Life.
Your words have enormous power to influence your kids. Words of encouragement and affirmation will draw your children to you like magnets. One of the best things you can do with this key is use it in front of others. Speaking positively about your kids to your kids is invaluable…but speaking positively about them to someone else when they are there to witness it is unforgettable. It affirms their hope that you do see the good they do, that they make you proud, and that you are happy with them. A good rule of thumb is that for every rebuke, you offer at least 3 praises. We want to correct our kids when they behave or choose wrongly, but we don’t want them to think THEY are what’s wrong. Simple affirmations like, “You are such a good artist,” or, “I am proud of who you are and so thankful I get to be your Mommy” go a long way.
2. Spend Time.
The currency of love, to kids, is always time. Many parents get confused and think that money or gifts win their children’s hearts. I know so many kids, however, that are spoiled with lots of material things and have nothing but contempt for their parents. It would admittedly be much easier if presents could win the hearts of our kids, but hearts simply can’t be bought and they were designed this way for a purpose. Because we are created in the image of God himself, we long for relationship- not retribution. Spending quality time with your kids doing things they enjoy will win them over and build a history of relationship you will enjoy throughout their lives.
3. Spread Joy.
This one may be the most difficult of the “universal” keys, because as parents- we just don’t always feel joyful. We aren’t always in a good mood. I’m not saying we should be fake, but I have seen the fruit of this first-hand; happiness is contagious. Others want to be near you when you add joy to their day. If you always have a scowl on your face or an unpleasant disposition, they are more likely to be repelled than drawn in. Complaining…about anything…is a sure way to spread negativity and repel others. Maintaining a grateful attitude tends to diffuse joy and when we are joyful, our kids want to be around us too. Be excited to see them, show affection, and carry yourself in a way that you will be proud to be remembered by.
It goes without saying that since every heart is unique, the keys to unlock them are unique too. Only God knows the exact keys you will need to draw your children to you and win their affection and devotion. He will show you which kids need more humor and which ones need more hugs, which ones need more notes in their lunches and which ones need more ice cream dates. Tune your ear to the One who holds these precious hearts, and in the meantime, remember to speak life, spend time, and spread joy. ~EO
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